Ostrich - Speak... Hell what more can i say???!!!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Autorickshaw Drivers- A study

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have found it. The missing link. So primal in its behavior...the Khaki Clad Autorickshawdriverus Erectus. Here are some instances of observed natural behavior:-

1. Has developed rudimentary language skills by way of grunts and an assortment of other angry noises. Also has command over certain local expletives. Uses aforementioned language after shamelessly cutting off other motorists. Always seems to imagine it is in the right despite its glaringly obvious lack of lane discipline and road etiquette.

2. Waits for female passengers, re-adjusts rearview mirrors away from traffic, trains it on mammaries, and then proceeds to drive fast over speed breakers thinking to itself “Hooray for Boobies!”

3. Certain members of this species are unable to control basic physiological urges. With caveman like Id, it sometimes whips out and flogs genitals in full view of bystanders. In a more evolved maneuver, it will perform this act while single handedly driving alongside uncomfortable looking female pedestrian.

4. Has no concept of city area beyond MG Road and its 2 KM radius. Refuses to travel anywhere except in that area. Even when given a multiple choice of destination. Highly territorial.

5. When parked in auto stand, one can observe a fine example of pack behavior. In a group they will loiter and make lewd comments. This seems to be manner of social bonding. In situations when one of the pack attempts to carry off a passenger before his turn, the rest hunt him down, whooping, and drag his rickshaw back.

6. The concept of numbers is not firmly founded. The A.Erectus seems to imagine that when change amounts to 5 bucks or less, the passenger forfeits the right to collect. If passenger objects it will use its nascent language skills, grunt angrily and drive off in a huff feeling wronged.

7. Seem to have a very strong political sense. Will vote at every election. As a pack they are constantly wooed by politicians for their strong united lobby. Candidates are elected between ‘Greedy parasite no.1’ and ‘Greedy Parasite no.2’

8. Uses one standard Phillips screwdriver for all manner of repairs to its vehicle. This does not include ornamentation i.e. painting on of local movie stars and slogans like “Like is pore poyson”

9. Uses not only its handlebars, but also its buttocks to steer and balance its vehicle. Will shift wildly from side to side like a sailor when executing sharp turns, all the while hunched Quasimodo-like with nose, mere inches from windscreen.

That concludes my study of the Autorickshawdriverus Erectus, I hope you found it insightful. If spotted, approach with caution.


At 5:56 PM, Blogger LiVEwiRe said...

Ah yes, approach with caution - words to live by. Oddly, this reads like a list of men I've dated in the past. I can sense you envying me at this very moment. (Perhaps because I have actually heard the phrase "hooray for boobies"...) In my case, 'highly territorial' makes me envision someone peeing in a circle around me; not sure if its a memory ...
Anyway, I agree that it would be wise to approach with caution, whatever their disguise!
Ostrich, you make me LAUGH! I love it!

At 5:58 PM, Blogger transience said...

oh gosh! that was both funny and seriously insightful. thank you for illuminating my monday.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger JP said...


At 8:36 PM, Blogger retarius said...

damn good study. i can't fault him on number 2 though....

At 12:44 AM, Blogger Ostrich said...

Livewire:- Reads like a list of men you've dated? I know the feeling. BELIEVE ME! ONe of them almost peed around ME in a territorial display!!!!

Transcience:- Why Thank you dear. You look remarkably like a certain icelandic singer!!!!

Jp: Yes indeed

REtarius:- I have a feeling "hurray for boobies" is something you'd never object to! Have you heard Zappa's "Titties and beer", You will LOVE that one!

At 1:27 AM, Blogger Boomsa said...

'Like is pore poyson' is good. So also, are the following:

1.) Pleez donot kiss me
2.) A girl's marriage age is 21. Let us collect rainwater. (Intersting thought process, though I'm not entirely sure I get it.)
3.) A-plus, B-plus, Jayalalitha O-plus (hopeless)

And my favourite:

If you fall in a well there is a rope,
If you fall in a river there is a boat,
If you fall in love there is no hope.

Immaculate rhyme scheme and metre.

At 1:34 AM, Blogger Ostrich said...

Well done Boomsa, those are very good!

At 9:45 AM, Blogger NicoleBraganza said...

That was a wonderful insight into autorickshaw drivers - a very prominent presence in all Indian cities! Very well said.
Look forward to more stuff like this on your blog...


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